Tough Questions

Welp, I just returned from one of my "results show" appointments. I had another CT scan yesterday afternoon, and an appointment with the good Dr. John Thompson to discuss the results. No new tumor growth or spread, things continue to hold steady.

However, my side effects are really starting to become an issue. Mainly my feet. Have you ever been walking around, perhaps in the dark, wearing socks and you accidently step on an extension chord (especially on linoleum, hard woods, tile, etc...) in just the right way to really, really hurt? My feet feel like that all the time. It's kind of like low to mid level annoyance interrupted by moments of eye clinching pain. The kind of pain that will make you sweat. It doesn't last, I just have to wait a moment or two. Its usually when I step right on a sore spot. It's impossible to avoid.

Also the sun sensitivity could almost be more accurately described as sun allergy. That burn I mentioned in the last post is still in full effect. It looks......nasty.

Because of all this, I (with the recommendation of Dr. Thompson) decided to take a break from my meds, perhaps a week, maybe longer, then start back at a lower dose. He's suggested this to me before, like when I had that scorching case of pink eye, but I refused. I'm just tired. Tired of all this constant fatigue and pain.

I have been asking myself some VERY difficult questions (this is going to get pretty honest, maybe a little upsetting. Just a warning). Knowing how this situation will almost certainly end up (I know that "almost certainly" isn't "certainly", but I don't have any illusions about what I'm up against), and taking into account how wonderful I felt when I stopped taking Interferon a couple summers ago, after the seizure, I'm starting to think about the option of stopping my medication altogether, feeling strong and healthy like a normal 33 (almost 34) year old until the inevitable, (this is turning into a really long run-on sentence), rather then spend the next couple years at about a 60%. Am I being weak? Should I just suck it up for the sake of the added time? It's almost as though I want to quantify life, what is worth more, a year of strength and vitality, or two years of chemo therapy? I wish I could just put a number on it. Ask yourself "self, if I was in Josh's shoes (no kids, no dependents) what decision would I make?" and get back to me.